


What was the Name

by captainschmoop



Category: Across the Universe (2007)
Genre: Gen, Mutually Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 08:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainschmoop/pseuds/captainschmoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude gets asked a question. He doesn't really want to think about the answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jude

“What was the name?” Molly asked quietly.

  
“Who?” Jude asked in return, his brows drawing together in confusion. His former girlfriend seemed to let a small, knowing smile grace her lips.

  
“The reason you stopped writin’.” For a single moment, Jude was stunned.

  
Then in the next, a flood of memories entered his mind in a rush, the past engulfing him whole. Fighting against it, Jude was brought to the present as abruptly as he was taken out of it. He stared at his ex, her face a mixture of slight resentment and mild curiosity. He faltered for another moment.

  
“Lucy…” he sighed, the name barely coming out. She smiled a bit then, approving of the nice name, of the girl she hasn't met. He turned to leave as soon as Molly was ushered away from him.

  
Walking the trek to his house, Jude let himself get lost in his musings. He couldn't bring himself to let the memories in; it would tear him apart. He was deported before he got a chance to say goodbye to anyone, to see his beloved for the last time.

  
Jude couldn’t bring himself to write to anyone, especially Lucy. He had hurt her far too much... her and her brother. But that didn’t stop the worry that was always nagging at his brain. The worry over whether or not they were okay.

  
And without his consent, the memories began to leak into his mind, showing only glimpses as they flashed by: the blonde hair, the way it seemed to glow with such brilliance when sunlight would hit it; the blue eyes, so deep and emotional that Jude would drown in bliss every time he looked into the crystal orbs; the grin, the one that drove Jude mad to no end every time he set eyes upon it; and the face, that glorious, perfect face that caught him off guard the first time they met, that made Jude want to see it everyday without end. All of the images flickered across his mind in an instant.

  
But one image lingered far longer then all the rest.

  
 _They were lying in bed together, the blanket barely covering anything. Jude had propped himself up on one elbow, content with admiring his new lover, who was sleeping soundly in a peaceful afterglow. The moon was out that night, its gentle beam of light casting a pale shine over them, making their skin resemble alabaster. Jude softly trailed his free hand down his beautiful blonde’s side, relishing from the simple touch of the delicate skin. He’d never felt nor had anything close to what this was. This was perfect._

 _  
The bed shifted slightly beside him, shaking Jude out of his admiration._

 _  
“Hnn, Judey,” – Jude couldn’t help but smile at his affectionately given nickname – “you awake?” Jude chuckled as the once still body snuggled closer. And then, Jude couldn’t breathe._

 _  
Those eyes… those beautiful, bright sapphire eyes were now staring at him. There was an emotion flowing in those orbs with more intensity than it had ever had before. Shining more brightly than the moon – hell, more than the sun to Jude – was love, sweet, passionate love. And it was all directed toward Jude. He had to concentrate to remember how to breathe again. When he finally got air back in his lungs, he replied._

 _  
“Yeah,” Jude brought that face to his to deliver a kiss. He chuckled at the eager moan to deepen their activities. “Now, go back to sleep.” The grin he loved so much spread itself across delicious, full lips as they both settled in each others arms to drift into sleep._

 _  
A few moments later, the brunette heard a mumbled_ – No! Jude shook his head. It would only hurt to remember such a sweet time. God, it felt like a lifetime ago. He couldn't, wouldn't, even think about the reason, the real reason, why he stopped writing. But it was too late. The memory had started, and it wouldn't stop until the entire scene played through. He would have to watch, watch a chapter to a story that had long since been left unwritten.

  
Unwillingly, Jude did nothing but wait for the one moment in his life he will never forget as the present shifted back into the vivid past in his mind...

  
 _A few moments later, the brunette heard a mumbled, “I love you, Jude…” as sleep took hold of his lover. Jude smiled and affectionately brushed a strand of hair out of that lovely face._

  
Jude braced himself for the next part, for the name, for the real truth in everything: why he stopped writing, why he moved to New York, why he was so secretly terrified of the draft, why he secretly really hated the war, why he was so devastated when he was denied a farewell to his friends, one in extreme particular, everything. He closed his eyes and waited for the moment when his life changed for good.

  
 _Eyes closed, he lightly kissed the top of the golden head before saying,_

 _  
“I love you too, Max.”_

  
And then Jude opened his eyes.


	2. Max

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max is pretty messed up after experiencing what war had to offer. He's shut himself off from everything, including himself. Only he doesn't know he's doing it.

The bartender waved as he closed the door, giving one last uneasy look as you walk away. You sigh as you make your way back to the apartment.

 

At least the weather's nice. A bit chilly, but that's a welcomed relief from _that_ heat. You hated _that_ heat. It never went away, not even at night, over there... not even now. It's like your body is always overheated, and you can't do a thing to bring it down. It just eats at you, choking you until breath can no longer enter the lungs. You shiver.

 

Like now, you're boiling. That coat is making things worse. You tried to tell Lucy you didn't need it. Does she listen? Of course not. Women. At least she works a lot during the day. You can't stand her overprotective, maternal, whatever-the-shit-it-is mode she gets into around you. She treats you like a baby. Or a really old guy. Either one works. Like you need to be watched constantly.

 

Damn, you're at the apartment already. Looking up the building, you sigh. Walking is always a blur. You really don't want to go back to the apartment. Shrugging to yourself, you journey upward. Nobody will be there, you think. That's good, though; people tend get in that damn mode around you. You are not an invalid; you can take care of yourself.

 

Finally making it to the door, you enter the little pad. Immediately, you begin to rip off the extra clothing you've got on: jacket, shirt, shoes, and socks. Would have tossed the pants, too, but you were yelled at for doing that once. Never done it since. They land helter-skelter in different piles as you walk to the couch, your favorite spot. You just seem to plop there whenever you have nothing to do, which is almost always. The cab company doesn't want you driving too much; _they_ even treat you differently.

 

You don't know how long you laid there before you heard the door open.

 

“Hey, _____!” Prudence calls, skipping into the room. You offer a smile for her. Only Prudence never lost to the Must-take-care-of-you-for-some-reason Battle. Prudence's smile faltered a little. Then again, maybe she wasn't perfect.

 

“C'mon, _____ ,” she knelt down so she was your eye level, “smile for me.” She placed her hand on your head, ruffling the blonde hair. This confuses you. Hadn't you smiled?

 

“ _Look. Here's a smile for you, Prudence._ ” You look at her and smile. Again.

 

“Fine, don't smile.” She sighed and scooted you over so that your head was in her lap. Why doesn't she see your smile? This annoys you. “You know – and you probably do – everyone's worried about you.” You roll your eyes. You both just sit there.

 

“That's the thing,” she said finally, “right there.” She turned your head where you could look into her eyes and traced your features, stopping at the mouth. “They never change.”

 

You furrow your brow, confused. “ _What doesn't change?_ ”

 

She sighed. “Lucy's really worried.” She continues as if she never heard you. That pisses you off.

 

“ _Prudence, answer the question!_ ” You glare at her. Prudence just stares at you, that same concerned expression etched onto her face.

 

“She cries, you know.” She said after a moment, once again ignoring the question. You would have been furious if it weren't for the bit of information she presented. “She thinks no one sees her, but I do.” Prudence began running her fingers through your hair. “It's hard for her. I mean, her brother won't respond to anything anyone does.” What? “That's a hard thing to come to terms with.”

 

You scowl. “ _What the hell are you talking about?_ ” You glare back into her concerned eyes. You think you've finally gotten through to her because her hand stops moving. She stares back at you, her brows furrowed. Then, she sighed.

 

She looked tired. Worn out. “This isn't easy for Lucy.” Prudence looked across the room. “Not only does her brother come back from the war injured and unresponsive – ” You glare at her again. “ – but her lover gets deported.” Your eyes widen. It's suddenly hard to breathe. “That was a shock, too. She didn't even say goodbye to Ju – !” She was cut off as you sit up suddenly.

 

You scoot as far away from her as you could. Why were you breathing so hard?

 

“Hey...” Then Prudence is there, kneeling in front of you, shock over her face. “Your eyes are wide... and you're breathing hard!” She exclaims as if it's the best thing in the world. It's not. Far from it, actually. You try to calm yourself. Prudence continues to stare disbelievingly at you.

 

“What was it, _____?” She grabbed your hands. “What did I say? What made you react?” She squeezed your hands, her voice and face pleading. You just stare at her. Why was she acting so crazy today? Then, something clicked inside Prudence's head; it was visible on her face.

 

She brought your hands to her chest, hugging them. “Oh, _____ , was it because I brought up Ju – !” You didn't let her finish as you immediately stand up, almost knocking her over. You move to the other side of the couch, the farthest you can. It was hard to breathe again. Why?

 

Prudence stood on the floor, just staring at you. She didn't make to move or to speak as you gain control of your breathing. She just stayed still. So did you. A wave of exhaustion slowly hit you. You repositioned yourself so that you were lying on the couch. Prudence never moved. Just as sleep was about to take you, the phone rang.

 

Prudence jumped in surprise, then, after composing herself, went to answer. It's probably Lucy, wanting to check up on you. You roll your eyes. “Hello?” There was a pause. A long one. Weird. Normally, Prudence would be trying to calm Lucy down at this point. You turn your head slightly so you can see Prudence. She seemed stunned.

 

“You son of a bitch!” She yelled, an incredulous laugh escaping her lips. That startled you. “It's about damn time you call me back, you limey bastard.” She was delighted, bouncing a little bit. You raise an eyebrow. Who could be on the phone? You don't know any limeys.

 

“No, she's not here.” A pause. “Yeah, he is.” A sideways glance at you. You close your eyes before she sees you're awake. “Sleeping.” Worked. “I could wake him...?” A brief pause. “Okay. Then when you get here? Okay.” Someone wanted to talk to you? “Actually, he's in bad shape.” You opened your eyes a bit. Prudence was looking at the floor, her brow creased. “He needs you, you know. Can you come back?” There was a long pause. Then, a smile graced her lips. “Seriously? That's awesome!” She laughed. “When? I'll send someone to get you. Oh, hold on. Let me get paper and pen.”

 

She reached for a tablet and a crayon. “Okay, shoot.” She wrote down whatever she was hearing, adding little mhmms here and there. She laughed when she was finished. “Who do you think I'm sending?” A pause. “Duh. You two need to see each other. Badly.” She giggled. Then, she sobered up. “No, Lucy can wait. _He_ needs you more.” A pause. An irritated Prudence. “Because he's unresponsive! To anything. No reaction. No words. Just a blank face all the time! We don't know what to do...” She fumed. Then sighed. “You're the only one who can help.” Another pause. “Because I said so, you stupid limey ass.” She smiled. You heard a laugh on the other side of the line. Your blood runs cold. Your eyes widen. So familiar...

 

“Okay. See you in two days, _Jude_.” Prudence hung up the phone. She turned and gasped. “What's wrong?” She asked as she rushed to your side. It was so difficult to breathe. Your heart was pounding in your chest, throat, ears, head, everywhere. You hug yourself. It was cold. It was so cold. Where was the ever present heat? “God, you're shivering!” Prudence reached for a blanket and threw it on you. “Come on, _Max_ , tell me what's wrong.” Your eyes widen even more.

 

You stare at her, panicked. Something was happening. You shivered, pulling the blanket closer. “ _Max_!” Prudence grabbed hold of your shoulders. “ _Max_ , what's wrong?” You break away from her, grabbing your head. Make it stop! Everything hurts! God, make it stop! “Tell me!”

 

You try to get away from her, but she wasn't having it. You couldn't breathe. It was freezing, and everything hurt. She kept saying it. That word, that name. Who was that? Was it you? Everything doesn't make sense. So confusing... Make it stop! Memories came flooding in. Bad memories. Ones you didn't want to remember. “ _MAX_!” Prudence yelled, grabbing your shoulders again.

 

Then, everything fit.

 

“Stop!” Max screamed. Prudence let go, shocked at hearing him speak. He panted, his eyes wide. He remembered; he remembered everything. “Stop it!” He whispered, his voice hoarse. He didn't want to remember the war, Jude, who he was, any of it. And now he did. “Just stop it...” He mumbled, tears falling down his cheeks. Prudence embraced him, hugged him close, shushing him.

 

“Max?” She felt him flinch. At least he was still there. “Calm down, okay? Everything's gonna be alright.” She pushed him back so she could see his face. He looked at her, tears still trickling from his eyes. He was scared. “You have to calm down. Understand?” He nodded like a little kid. “Good.” She smiled and hugged him again.

 

Max sniffled, hugging Prudence back. Damn everything, he thought. “I'm glad you're back, Max.” Max didn't say anything. “Now, you have to go pick up someone in two days.” Max tilted his head. “No arguing, just go pick him up.” She released him, moving to get the tablet and handed it to him. He read the information, still confused. “You two need to catch up.” She smiled and went into the kitchen area.

 

Max was left there holding the tablet. Who was he supposed to pick up? He tried to remember the conversation Prudence had on the phone. He winced a bit; his head still hurt. Closing his eyes, he recalled what Prudence had said: a limey bastard, a stupid limey ass, Jude. Max stilled.

 

He was picking up Jude.

 

And then Max opened his eyes.


	3. Lucy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max watches as Jude returns. That's all he does: watch.

Max didn't know what he was doing. He was parked outside the gate of the shipping yard, sitting on top of his cab. An uneasy feeling settled inside his stomach. He shouldn't have come. Why did he let Prudence convince him to come here?

 

Drawing a cigarette from his pocket, Max sighed. After lighting it, he looked around. People were looking hopefully toward the dock, awaiting a loved one's return. Max felt his chest clench. He really didn't want to be here. He had no place with these people.

 

“ _Now, Max,” Prudence had said, “You better get going, or you'll be late.” She smiled as she handed Max his cap. Max looked at her, his eyes narrowing. He shook his head. She sighed. “You're_ still _not talking?”_

 

 _Prudence pushed Max toward the door. “He'll be expecting you. And I know you want to see him, even if you stubbornly think otherwise.” Max looked back at her uncertainly as he clutched the directions. Prudence offered a smile. “And don't forget to bring him to the rooftop after you pick him up.” She waved as Max left the apartment._

 

What now? He was there, waiting for the frigging passengers to come out. His fingers began tapping themselves against his knees. Why was he so Goddamn nervous? He took a long drag, slowly releasing the smoke. It burned a bit; he wasn't used to smoking. He hasn't picked up a cigarette since his return from Vietnam. Max shivered.

 

The other people waiting suddenly started to yell and cheer. Max looked up and saw that the passengers were finally coming toward them. Flicking his smoke to the ground, Max searched the upcoming crowd for a certain face. His heartbeat quickened. Then, he came into view.

 

Max froze. There he was. Jude. Jude was coming toward him. It was Jude. Max laughed, surprising himself. He rose, flinging his arms out. “Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey, Judey!” He didn't know he was yelling until he felt his throat burn. He had never said so much so loud since the war. He'd never been happier, either.

 

Then he saw Jude smile, heard him call out “Max” as they rushed to each other, Max jumping into Jude's arms before he could stop himself. To his surprise and great relief, Jude caught him and returned the embrace, hugging Max tight to his being.

 

For the first time in a very, very long time, Max was finally fucking home. He clung to Jude, never wanting to let go. Jude smiled, carrying the blonde to the cab. They pulled apart, Max already missing the warmth of Jude's body. They smiled at each other like fools as they got in the cab.

 

“You don't look too messed up.” Jude teased, though a hint of worry laced his eyes. Max snorted.

 

“Yeah, well, everything _below_ the neck works fine.” Max found it surprisingly easy to admit that. That and he was getting used to talking again. They drove in silence, the air becoming a bit uncomfortable. Jude looked out the window, seeming to ponder over something.

 

“She know?” He asked after some time. Max felt his chest tighten. _That's right_ , he told himself. _Not you._

 

“Nah uh.” He answered quietly. _Not for a damaged fuck like you._ Max's fingers tightened on the steering wheel.

 

“You didn't tell her?” It was meant to be a question, but it came out as an amused statement. Max mentally laughed at that. How could he have told her?

 

“Nope.” According to Prudence, he hasn't spoken a word since he got back into the country. Of course he didn't tell her. Not that Jude needed to know all about his little break down...

 

Jude chuckled. “Alright, good.” Max rose an eyebrow. “Good.” Jude said again, more quietly than the first. _Why is that good?_ Max squashed the uneasy feeling away before it had a chance to eat at him. He wanted to enjoy the private time he had with Jude before they got to the roof.

 

x X x

 

Max watched as Jude sung into the mic. _He actually sings pretty good._ Max chuckled, but it died away when he saw his sister on the roof of the building across the street. His heart raced. Jude would see her. They'd live happily ever after.

 

But Jude didn't see her. In fact, he turned to leave, probably thinking he blew his chance. Max could let him walk away. He could pretend he didn't see a thing. Then what? What would that accomplish? Just his best friend getting pissed at him and his sister hating him for life. Did that matter? The defeated look on Jude's face answered everything.

 

Before he passed, Max got Jude's attention. The blonde nodded to his sister. Jude turned around. There was no mistaking it; this time, he saw her. Max could tell by the smile Lucy gave. He knew Jude was smiling too. Happily ever fucking after.

 

“She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.” Max's chest snapped. He felt so empty and defeated. Behind him, Prudence looked at the scene with concern. At the same time, Lucy and Jude turned and ran to the door that would lead them to the street, to each other. “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah...” _Oh God._

 

Max didn't realize everyone was leaving until Prudence hugged him. He didn't hug back. He didn't have the strength. “Shh, Max, it's okay.” It was then that Max was aware of the tears leaking from his eyes. God, he felt so worn out. Lonely. Detached. Broken. All he could do was replay the scene of them running to each other. He wanted to forget it. He wanted to detach again.

 

But he couldn't. After wiping away the tears, Prudence led him down the stairs and out to the street. The gang surrounded Jude and Lucy, who were in a tight embrace. A dull ache filled Max's stomach. “Max...” Prudence started, but Max shook his head. He didn't want to talk. He never did. He just wanted to go rot somewhere under a rock.

 

The gang was all laughs, welcoming Jude back to the country. Max just stood there, Prudence at his side. It felt like watching a movie to Max. He was completely disconnected with the scene. It broke Prudence's heart.

 

Lucy turned to them then. She smiled as she skipped toward the pair. Prudence walked to her, and they hugged, sharing carefree words. Prudence whispered something into Lucy's ear, something that made Lucy wild with joy. She turned to Max, a bright smile on her face. Max stiffened. Then, suddenly, she was on him.

 

“Oh, Max!” She cried as she hugged her brother tight. “You're okay?” She pulled out of the embrace to see his face. Max inwardly groaned. So much for detaching. He forced a smile. It worked; Lucy was ecstatic as she hugged him again.

 

Max could see Jude watching them, a confused look on his face. Max adverted his gaze; he did not want to deal with _that_. Deal with everyone coming to him, making a fuss. “Shh, Lucy, I'm okay.” He heard himself say. His mouth just doesn't want to quit, does it? “Everything's gonna be all right.” _Yeah, right._

 

Lucy smiled brightly as she hugged him again. Everyone smiled, assuming everything really was going to be all right. Jude grinned, his eyes one the Carrigan siblings. Max noticed how Jude's eyes were aglow with emotion, all for his sister. Never again for him. _Never._ Max choked.

 

The gang started to move, everyone talking all at once about Jude's return, his song, the fact that he and Lucy were together again, reunited at last. Max straggled behind, not having the heart to talk with them.

 

Max looked on as the gang walked in front of him. He saw how Jude wrapped an arm around Lucy's waist. He watched as Lucy rested her head on Jude's shoulder. He watched as they molded together to form a perfect picture of a relationship. What was the name, the name that called Jude back to America? It was never his. It was always, _always_ Lucy's, his _perfect_ little sister's name. _Oh God._

 

And then Max closed his eyes.

 

From everything.


End file.
